I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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