put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
