On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
