Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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