We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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