why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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