I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
