meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
