The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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