I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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