**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
