he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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