I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
