o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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