I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
