BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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