I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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