my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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