he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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