Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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