i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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