since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Im part way to drunk.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
