i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
