i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I smell stomach acid.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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