my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
