Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
