Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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