how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
