First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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