I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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