Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I have tasted many bathrooms
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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