he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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