At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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