do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
