You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i will never coherently bang her
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
