I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
