I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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