at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
