the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
