Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
