Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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