i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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