So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
