my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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