I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
