Got a toothbrush?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I forgot how hot balto sounded
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
