babies were throwing up all over the place
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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