Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
