I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
