apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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