I hate all girls vehemently.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
